McSweeney Rejects
Open Letter to Publishers of The New Yorker
Dear Publishers, I am writing to request a special type of subscription. I’m willing to pay full price but please only send me every other issue. The time commitment of a weekly New Yorker would be beyond my grasp and I don’t want to throw half of them out. People Magazine, I can handle its…
Read MoreOpen Letter to Sol Hurok
Dear Sol Hurok, I know nothing about you except that you are an impresario. I really don’t know what an impresario is except to say, “It’s someone like Sol Hurok.” The words Sol Hurok and impresario have been tattooed on my brain ever since they appeared on the 1976 MCAT test, an entrance exam for medical school. I…
Read MorePodcast: Vindictive Snack Mom
A mother strikes a blow in solidarity for all the discontented snack moms out there!
Read MoreOpen Letter To The Children Of Robert McNamara
Dear McNamara Children, This is a belated apology. I have been meaning to set things straight, but the right moment never materialized, and now it has been over 50 years. However, my guilt came flooding back as I watched the recent Ken Burn documentary on the Vietnam War. Night after night I saw your father,…
Read MoreOpen Letter to Stephen Hawking
There is one thing humans have relied on, well beyond the standard cliché of death and taxes. It is the universal standard of a second as an enduring constant across cultures and time. Some extremist with a jittery trigger finger can do us all in, but the clock will still tick and the earth will…
Read MoreOpen Letter to the Neighbor Who Put a Bag of Dog Shit in My Purse
Dear Neighbor, First of all, I would like to sincerely apologize for my dog. It was an entirely innocent mistake, but I also realize how you might have misconstrued the situation. We had just arrived at our cabin after a long drive and I was taking our dogs for a walk. I momentarily lost control…
Read MoreDear Kid on My Son’s Soccer Team
Dear Kid (number 9 I think) on my son’s soccer team, This apology has been gnawing at me for almost 20 years. You see it was me, I was the one who slipped a lemon into your half time snack of orange slices. When your innocent face turned into a sour grimace I immediately knew that…
Read MoreDear Caitlyn Jenner
Dear Caitlyn Jenner, I am a woman whose biologic, gender and sexual identities are comfortably aligned in the dominant fashion, but am ready, willing and trying to embrace the full spectrum. I have made a lot of progress. I accept the limitations of a binary approach to identity and the word ellgeebeeteecue rolls off my…
Read MoreDear Mr. Manfred, Major League Baseball Commissioner
Dear Rob Manfred, Major League Baseball Commissioner It is the beginning of baseball season, and I couldn’t care less. This is astonishing to me since I grew up surrounded by baseball. My mother taught me how to throw a baseball since she believed this was an important social skill for a girl. My grandfather taught…
Read MoreOpen Letter to Dos Equis Beer
Dear Dos Equis Beer, I am writing in regard to your recent announcement that you are retiring your spokesperson for your “Most Interesting Man in the World” beer campaign. I am excited by this opportunity to refresh your image. For years Dos Equis has insisted that a silver-haired, over-tanned and vaguely Euro-trashy playboy is the…
Read More