Dear Presbyterian Church of the United States, First I should explain that I am not really a Presbyterian, or any sort of church goer for that matter. I would classify myself more as a spiritual atheist and a cultural Christian. My family, however, has had a long history with the Presbyterian Church in my home…
Read MoreDear Producers of The Voice: Congratulations on The Voice, an inspiring show that captures the basic American values of “from out of nowhere” success — I cheered the young farm boy whose previous experience was singing to his cows while baling hay, cheered that country western singer who sang at the local bowling alley next to the Piggly Wiggly,…
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We all have food preferences. What follows is a list of food I can no longer eat for, well, various reasons that make sense to me. Want to listen to this post instead? Click here! 1. Liver, because as a pathologist I have done too many autopsies where I have had to grapple with slippery,…
Read MoreDear Dick Wolf, As creator of the television show Law and Order:SVU, I would like to thank you for elevating the word “heinous” from the depths of SAT vocab obscurity to an everyday word. For the past seventeen years your fans have heard these somber opening lines: “In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses…
Read MoreWhat would our economy be like without the work-around – a critical job niche that has employed some of the most creative minds. Intricate cross functional teams immediately spring into action whenever a new law or regulation is introduced, charged with finding and exploiting even the slimmest loophole. Lawyers, bankers and accountants are prominent members…
Read MoreDear Cottonelle Marketing Department: Positioning toilet paper as something other than an everyday commodity must be a challenge. Do you promote softness, or maybe strength, or somehow combine the two, all the while dancing around the taboo subject of body fluids? For years fussy Mr. Whipple delivered the message of softness as he secretly caressed…
Read MoreIn our suburban house there is no such thing as a dark night. Even on a perfectly moonless night my husband’s sleeping body is clearly outlined by the delicate hues of light pollution seeping north from Chicago. Through the window, I can even see individual leaves trembling in the slight breeze. On a moonless night…
Read MoreTwo rows in front of me, slightly to the right, the woman was wearing an oversized purple T-shirt emblazoned with the word “WRITER” on her back. We were all writers at this local conference, or at least we thought we might be someday, so why did she need to make this announcement? I couldn’t think…
Read More“Let’s see what we’ve got here. The chart says that you don’t like your ears. Are they too large, too small, lopsided, what can I do for you?” “It’s my earlobes. I’ve always hated them. They’re just too big.” “Let me take a look. They don’t look that bad. I’ve certainly seen bigger. Now that…
Read MoreDear Lady at the Crematorium, Thank you very much for the tour of your facility. I was trying to minimize my father’s “final expenses,” so I appreciated your unpretentious office behind the Harley Davidson dealership. Last year when my mother died, I blew my budget on a deluxe funeral home complete with plush burgundy carpeting,…
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