Ear Ye, Ear Ye

“Let’s see what we’ve got here. The chart says that you don’t like your ears. Are they too large, too small, lopsided, what can I do for you?”

“It’s my earlobes. I’ve always hated them. They’re just too big.”

“Let me take a look. They don’t look that bad. I’ve certainly seen bigger. Now that LBJ he had a pair of real droopers – a lot of acreage there. Understandable if he wanted to trim them down a bit.”

LBL“Now wait just a minute. Johnson had a huge head. I think that the ratio of my lobes to my face is similar. I’m telling you my lobes are too big. When I try to sleep on my side, they get folded up and clog up my ears, and then I have to reach in with my finger and straighten them out. See what I mean?”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I’m not here to judge. Whatever makes you comfortable. What other type of work have you had done?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well the usual – eyes, nose, chin, brow, breasts.”

“What makes you think that I’ve had other work done? What difference does it make anyway?”

“In my experience, the lobes are not the first thing that people want to change. Michael Jackson was a wake-up call for all of us. You can understand – I have to look out for people who are addicted to plastic surgery, but frankly your face looks age appropriate.”

“I’ve never had anything done, but last year I turned 65 and I thought what the hell. I want to surprise my husband.”

“With earlobes? But I’m not here to judge.”

“You see how my lobe hangs down here. I just want the natural curve of my ear to continue smoothly toward my ear, cut off this droopy downturn. I think that a smooth arc is a much more pleasing look.”

“Here, flip though this book. I’ve profiled some general ear lobe styles. See if any appeal to you, then I can photo-shop them onto your ears.”

“Wait a minute, this ear lobe looks familiar.”


“Yes, that’s the Gwyneth Paltrow. A sleek and slender earlobe that connects directly to the ear. That connection is actually hard to do. More work. I have to add a surcharge for the Paltrow.”

“This one looks like a man’s.”

better freddie“That’s Freddie Mercury from Queen. But I just love Queen I always play “We are the Champions” in the OR. Gives the whole room a little extra pep, you know. Not too crazy about his buck teeth, but his lobes are pretty decent – except for that sharp angle down towards his jaw.”

“I don’t need anything fancy, just a basic earlobe, no extra surcharge. How about this one?”

pitt“Oh, you have excellent taste. I lot of women like that one. That’s the Brad Pitt. Perfectly curvaceous in the best earlobe sense of the word. Just the right amount of flesh, can easily accommodate multiple piercings.”

“How much would this cost me?”

“About seven fifty.”

“Is that for one ear or two?”

“That’s per ear.”

“Fifteen hundred for both? How about a volume discount for the pair?”

“Okay, I can knock maybe 100 bucks off – Yours is an easy case. I won’t have to work around any piercings.”

“Well, I don’t know, that’s still more than I anticipated.”

“All right, I’ll throw in some Botox for your face at no extra charge.

“I can’t give you an answer right now. I have to think about it.”

“Wait there’s more. I can Botox your pits – with the lobes that would be two thousand. Keeps you from sweating – great if you’re wearing pastel to a gala event. Done lots of mothers-of-the bride before weddings. Good for the whole summer season.  Ask anyone, this is a great deal.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I’m not interested in Botox, just my lobes.

“Hold on now, I don’t want you to give up on your dream. Let’s think creatively. You’re tennis pro, right? Well, I’m in the market for a better backhand. How about a swap, say both lobes for ten lessons. I have an opening next Wednesday at 4 PM. Can I pencil you in?”

“My lobes, Brad Pitt style, next Wednesday?”

My ear

“No for the first tennis lesson.”

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