Oscars Worst Dressed

Okay I admit to getting People magazine and reading other similar rags in the check out aisle and I must say one of the sections that I enjoy is some sort of fashion maven who critiques red carpet fashions with creative cattiness.  This isn’t cruel since anyone standing on a red carpet is basically asking for it.  So I thought I would take a try at some red carpeteers at the 2011 Oscars.  Open Fire!

This starlet below is standing among the billowing smoke of a messy volcano eruption, a virtual Krakatoa spewing literally tons of ashes skyward, dimming the sun’s rays and creating weather havoc.  However, if you are able to look through the smoke into the gaping maw, you would see the hell on earth fiery cauldron as hot lava erupts from Penelope’s Cruz’ nether regions and drips down her legs.

Oprah Winfrey arrived to present the award for the best documentary, which might well have included the birthing of this overly long glitterly dress, which included enough tinfoil to jam the radar of overhead airplanes.  Oprah has long had an uneasy relationship with her physique, but seems comfortable and unapologetic in her full figured mode, most appropriate for her emerging image as America’s maternal sweetheart.  One could imagine a small child or animal getting lost within the friendly and cozy confines of her mega-mammaries.







Kudos to Ms. Johansen for selecting something other than the basic red, black or white, but this choice looks like my grandmother’s lace tablecloth had an unfortunate encounter with a vat of red wine.  The casual tousled ‘do bears a striking resemblance to the bed head of thousands of dishwater blondes who look to Oscar fashions for inspiration not imitation.

OMG – this dress is bizarre enough from the front with the epaulets and bead work framing the blank canvas of her chest that just calls out for a full size cameo figure.  The yellow accents at the shoulders add a dash of welcome color, however expanding to a horrific creeping and pustular skin disease on her back.  Those with a penchant for picking scabs are just itching to take a turn.

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